Friday, June 11, 2004
Zippity Doo Dah... Zippity aye...

For lack of a better title that's the one you get. 

I haven't made an entry lately and the last one was about nonsense going through my head but today in the shower something occured to me... I have the strangest way of attracting people who are needier than me and then being called a user when I need something.  This is especially true of all the men in my life.  Everyone is familair with the fact that I moved to be alone.  Well, my oldest managed to get himself evicted from his place and is now camped out in my spare room... which was supposed to be my office... well I can't get in to the room and he never leaves except to go to the bathroom or to make something to eat.  I am so miserable.  Part of this drama is that I am extremely low on cash and was unable to pay my cell phone bill for 2 months.  Land line is out of the question because of a certain number of children who managed to run that bill up to $2500.  Any way, today after I got back from working out, my dear son wants me to give him a ride to check on a job application.  Before i get to the car door I suggested that he ask the neighbor upstairs to use his phone as a message number until I get my number reinstalled.  Well that caused a big fight between my son and I.  FIne so I asked.  Nope.  The neighbor upstairs heard us fighting. He asked what happened.  I explained.  He let me know that he was sorry that I was having to go through this but that he was tired of me asking for help all the time.  I smiled thanked him for his candor, drank the cup of coffee he offered me, and left.  Here is the list of things that have happened since I moved to this building. 

  1. I went to the IRS building.  They wouldn't let me in because I had my phone with me.  I went back to the car and reliazed that the walk to the office and back took at least 20 minutes. That was all the money I had for parking-- $3.  What shocked me was that it was 22 minutes when I got to the kiosk to pay and the lady wanted to charge me $5.  I was so stressed I started to cry and she let me go.  I drove the 5 miles to my house and asked my neighbor to drop me off  (first thing I asked him for) there that I would walk back.  He wanted to know why and I explained ... he went into this alpha male mode 90 % of puerto rican men have and decided that he could solve my problem by calling a friend of his and faxing him all the info (his idea).  Well that was 3 weeks ago.  I called the guy.  He said I'll do it today... call at 5.  I called the next day not to pressure him... no response .... I called again... no repsonse... I emailed him and my neighbor just to know what the status of the tax returns were... no response... one of the things he included in today's "nip in the bud" talk was this
  2. He wanted to go shopping one day to look for a pot lid and asked if I would drive.  I said sure.  It didn't bother me, he has a tiny little two seater and I just didn't want to deal with trying to get in and out of the car.  He got hungry while we were and and offered to buy lunch.  I said "sure... I drive you buy"  He made some comment about me cooking a meal for him and his girl or something in return. I let it go.
  3. I enjoy a strong cup of home brewed coffee every morning.  In my coffee I use the non-dairy creamer.  The liquid one because I don't really like the powder kind.  He learned real quick where I kept it.  Every morning for the last three or four weeks he comes down and either gets a cup of coffee with cream or just pours cream in his coffee.  Several times I have run out and he has not offered to replace it.  Fine. The other day I mentioned to my son that I was out of creamer and so was perhaps my neighbor because he had come here in the morning to get some.  My sone who had been out with him that afternoon said.. "he bought some today"  I gave it a day or two and when my he came down with his cup of coffee I asked him if he had any creamer... his response... "gee I don't I had to throw the last bit away it was bad or something... it was lumpy."  My response: wow that's too bad... I am all out... his response, well baby use milk... and he poured some coffee  from my pot.  Is it me or did I not make a reasonable request?
  4. When my son moved in he came by and took my son to a few places looking for work.   Greatly appreaciated but not requested. 
  5. When I moved in he asked if I needed help walking the dog I said sure and he offered to do it when I am not home.   From what I can tell he does it regularly as I leave the back door open for him to get in.  This is partially the reason why I don't say anything about the coffee and the creamer...
  6. Today I asked to use his phone as a temporary message number and he went off like I had asked non-stop for help and stuff... well, he does not get to walk the dog, which I understand he enjoys, and he will not have any coffee or creamer at his disposal... I just don't have that kind of money...

Truth be told I knew this guy was getting on my nerves but I am glad he feels the way he does because now I can be my usual stand- offish self and it won't seem life I am being stand- offish... just complying with his wishes.  I am so tired of people trying to be my friend when I really just want to be left alone to make that choice... trust me if I want you in my life you will know it 
So to this neighbor who thinks he has his shit together and finds it important to let me know that I just ask too much FUCK YOU!... don't come looking for companionship and sure as hell don't come looking for coffee or creamer... 

And now I can move on!

Posted at 08:19 pm by CarieMagic
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Hmm... who would have guessed...another song that's not country but I like

Everybody Here Wants You   ::  back
(Jeff Buckley)

Twenty-nine pearls in your kiss
A singing smile
Coffee smell and lilac skin
Your flame in me

Twenty-nine pearls in your kiss
A singing smile
Coffee smell and lilac skin
Your flame in me

Iím only here for this moment

I know everybody here wants you
I know everybody here thinks he needs you
Iíll be waiting right here just to show you
How our love will blow it all away

Hmm, such a thing of wonder in this crowd
Iím a stranger in this town
Youíre free with me
And our eyes locked in downcast love
I sit here proud
Even now youíre undressed in your dreams with me

Oh, Iím only here for this moment

I know everybody here wants you
I know everybody here thinks he needs you
Iíll be waiting right here just to show you
How our love will blow it all away

I know the tears we cried
Have dried on yesterday
The sea of fools has parted for us
Thereís nothing in our way
My love

Donít you see, donít you see?
Youíre just the torch to put the flame to all our guilt and shame
And Iíll rise like an ember in your name

I know I, I know I
I know everybody here wants you
I know everybody here thinks he needs you
Iíll be waiting right here just to show you
Oh let me show you
That love can rise, rise just like embers

Love can taste like the wine of the ages, oh babe,
And I know they all looks so good from a distance
But I tell you Iím the one

I know everybody here, well, thinks he needs you
Think he needs you
And Iíll be waiting right here just to show you.

Posted at 08:27 am by CarieMagic
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Friday, June 04, 2004
Just in case...

Esbat: Full Moon - Rose Moon (Northern Hemisphere) / Cold Moon (Southern Hemisphere)
Moon sign: Sagittarius 

This Full Moon (at 13 degrees of Capricorn) is during a lunar eclipse. Eclipses spotlight energies, and since Capricorn is the get-organized sign, this eclipse will affect government, social standing, career, and common sense. To utilize the energies of this Moon, light a brown, dark blue, or black candle, and think about your life: where you are, where you have come from, the choices you have made, and the opportunities you have taken or missed. How does all this mesh with what you envisioned for yourself when you were younger? Are you following in your family's footsteps or have you gone off in your own direction? Where do you want to be? Write all this down and when you are done burn the paper releasing your ambitions to the cosmos. Concentrate on your work and how it benefits society

Posted at 08:10 pm by CarieMagic
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five months... read 2 thousand plus times... must be a record for people who think I have something worth saying... or are you all voyeurs... waiting for the next episode of A MOTHER"S JOURNEY...(theme music my Maren Ord plays in the background... or Fleetwood Mac?)

Posted at 07:40 pm by CarieMagic
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I like this...

A song by Maren Ord

Don't close your eyes
They may not open
What if they open
Would you be alive

Everyone falls
But not everyone rises
Why don't you get up
And rise again for me

What if the world were
a little more perfect
Would you stop crying or
would you take the leap
What if the world
were a little more perfect
Would you open your eyes
and blink again for me

What about friendship
What about friends
You said the whole world
was against you
And it all had to end

What about love
What about family
What about all that
you have to live for

It isn't easy here without you
Why did you leave me
What am I supposed to do
(without you)

Posted at 06:05 pm by CarieMagic
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Ever wonder....

....why people come to your blog?
....just wonder....

Posted at 10:21 am by CarieMagic
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Thursday, June 03, 2004

I tried this yesterday so lets see if I don't lose the entry this time. 

The danger in going on a reflective journey about life and in my case motherhood is that you have no choice but to face reality; and the reality of the matter is that I had no business being a mom.  I always tease that my children's greatest problem in life is that they got me for a mom.  Well, teasing aside, it really has been their biggest problem.  I was never home.  I was the absent parent.  I managed to pay bills and work.  Got a teaching credential (on top of my BSW) and a Master's degree... research yet to be completed after so many years.  Why am I there biggest problem?  I'm not judgemental or critical.  I am, however, unsympathetic, unempathetic, and worse emotionally detached.  My responses to most of their problems have been "Get over it" "This too shall pass" "Are you bleeding? No. Then quit crying."  "Get over it"  "Get over it" "Get over it"  oh yeah and "Move on"  For my girls "dump his sorry ass" and to my son "Lose the bitch"  Yeah... I have no empathy for stupidity... my most recent mantra has been "stupid people breed stupid people".  So yeah, growing around me and my not so negative this too shall pass attitude had to be tough.  What I don't think my kids realize is the pain and tears I had to go through in life to get to that point.  There is no other way to survive when you come from a family of emotional abusers. 

Posted at 10:45 am by CarieMagic
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arrggg... it sucks to be broke.... 2 days after payday and my acct is neg 400... what the heck am I suppose to do... it's not like I go on shopping spree's... none of the bills are paid except for insurances and rent... thank god I bought groceries and got a tank full of gas... geez... oh well, it will work itself out I am sure... I have some extra money coming in but not enough to get me ahead... just enough to break even... oh well... it's like they say... the universe (GOD/GODDESS) only provides what you need... no more -- no less...

Posted at 10:31 am by CarieMagic
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Wednesday, June 02, 2004

the interesting thing about losing a post is that no one gets to see how reflective you were... oh well... maybe next time...

Posted at 04:59 pm by CarieMagic
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Friday, May 14, 2004

Well, I don't know if this was a good move or a bad move.... only time will tell.... just got internet access... I love my neighborhood and the dog is doing well... more later

Posted at 11:17 am by CarieMagic
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